Sleep deprivation Test
Usually within large crowds I am quiet and reserved. I am the observer who could tell you how someone holds their glass. After a bit I can distinguish between the fake schmoozing smiles that people give when they are disinterested in the conversation they are engaged in and the real belly laugh.
I know that some people, especially those who expect reporters to be extroverts, find my manner to be off-setting and disquieting. Some actually say so. But I have always found the heart of the matter in details and mannerisms. Words are not always to be trusted.
And yes, there is a certain amount of shyness involved in my behavior. Will I ask the right question or will I just say something flat out stupid? Everything I try to say is deliberate. I don't always succeed, especially in new situations where I am extremely self-aware. I've come to accept that though. I've learned to work with who I am instead of fighting against it. When I fight against I typically come across as an asshole in most social situations. This brings us to last night and early this morning.
At 5 a.m. I sat around a card table with about five other fellows. The whole time I was thinking, "Stupid, stupid, stupid." It was completely stupid to be up so late. I don't drink, so it was not as if I were snockered or drooling, but at some point during the night I became giddy from sleep deprivation. In this state all defenses fall. I started talking in large volume. I made jokes, some of which were really funny, others that fell on their face, and still those that were completely insensitive and asinine to those around me. To be honest, I don't even remember most of what I said, other than when I said one thing in particular someone commented that they'd hate to see me boozed up because they knew I'd be a babbler. And I know I would be too.
After crawling in bed at around six this morning and waking up around one the first thought that came to mind was, "What the fuck did I say last night?" This reaction from me, as if I were drunk. I mean rationally I know we all say silly shit from time to time. We have to. It's all a part of being human. I'd like to believe, "No, not me. Keep quiet and you won't have to worry about it." But sometimes, being giddy and letting my superfluous stupidity fly, is, I don't know, liberating.
posted by Joe Blow @ 12/11/2004 03:22:00 PM
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