The Mundane
Sometimes the facade just slips. After hours of work, drab weather, and run-of-the-mill concerns someone notices the expression on your face and the sad, tired look in your eyes. They take the time, if only for a brief moment to shore up your flagging spirits.
This happened for me tonight while out shooting some holiday photos with a point and click (I do everything except pagination and editing at my work). Wandering around with camera envy as the real photographer with the real camera snatched up excellent pics and then seeing happy families with small children my mind began to drift toward the darker side. A few years ago I thought those happy married people and uber successful professionals would be me by now. I thought I met the perfect woman. I put off my career to move with her so she could attend graduate school. We married and I thought we'd have the perfect home, professional lives and family. None of that came true. She too had her own facade. Locked into a "permanent" situation that she initiated her demons came forth. There was no cheering up her flagging spirits or her insecurities with a simple gesture. So that dream ended when she moved on, seeking an unobtainable comfort from someone else.
All of this went through my mind as I walked with camera in hand, photographing adorable children and toddlers all clamoring onto Santa's lap or giggling in a daddy's arm. Life never really has worked as I would have it. Of course when I think of this I delve into self-pity and loathing. I'm blindsided and become tired and not even the brightest day can make it any better, or so I think. Tonight though an official I typically interview saw me sort of standing there, just on the edge of the crowd. She came up to me with a concerned frown at first, penetrating my eyes, and then she smiled a broad warm smile. She squeezed my arm and asked, "Isn't this great?"
We were watching a toddler hopping and skipping and jumping around to Christmas Carols. "Let me see your pics," she said. And then she showed me hers. She cooed and awed and we talked about how great kids were. In the end she said something like, "Aren't we lucky, being able to be here surrounded by so much love , innocence, and happiness when it so seems to be lacking in other aspects of our world?" Without waiting for a response she turned to walk away, stopped, and look back. "Happy holidays," she said with that same warm smile and a wink. And suddenly I felt better, refocused, and grateful that I do have today to enjoy and that I can vicariously enjoy others joy and be sustained. It is all so much better than the alternative of still seeking the answers, wanting more, or wanting different instead of settling on being happy with what I've got. Suddenly the happy holiday face and professionalism was no longer just a face I wore while trying to take pictures.
posted by Joe Blow @ 12/07/2004 10:27:00 PM
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