Centripetal forces at work
I did not want to go to work this evening, really. I did not want to go the office, grab my notepad and shit and then hit the interstate in order to make it to downtown the old downtown theatre to cover a certain "premier." But I did, against my ever loathing on weekends, lazy, hugely depressed at this moment self.
As I hopped in the car and made my way to the place of my employment to pick up said shit my cell wrung (the nice new one I last purchased on a depressive spending binge). A local friend called to see what was up. Well, it was the dude from last night/this morning who showed concern. He invited me over to play some new football game for PS2 with him and his sons. Wife was going Christmas shopping. I wish I could have, but instead I turned him down. We bullshitted as I drove. I felt so insecure and, not really being homophobic but being unable to erase the manly programming completely, "gay" as I tried to express what was bothering me. Of course being depressed right now draws in a whole host of ills, many of them illusive and unreal. I explained the job situation. I discussed how I really thought my life might be settled by now -- you know happily married with maybe a kid, a house, a dog named Spot, a car, and a job I took pleasure in.
He just chuckled and said he needed to hear that as his sons fought tooth and nail in the background. He asked if I was doing the logical thing, like gathering up my clips, getting a resume together and starting the job search again. In the pit of my despair I didn't even consider that. He introduced me to the pin-hole light at the end of my self-imposed tunnel of despair. We hung up and I felt slightly better.
After that, as I stood in the cold taking photos and waiting to step into the theater where a local documentary was being screened my phone wrung again. This time it was another friend from the place where I lived for five years. We hadn't talked really since I moved back. He's happily married to this incredible woman. They are both working on dissertations and kept me someone sane through the divorce. They define true friends, standing by me when I thought my world was ending before. Today he reminded me just how much some things do not change. We talked about the coveted Golden Tee 2005 rankings at the local pub where we used to play. He talked about his wife gearing up to work for another political campaign soon (the cycle of campaigning just never ends I suppose). Everything in his world remained comfortably the same. And I was glad. Normal, productive, happy people rock, even when I don't always want to see how things can be okay.
And then I went and watched the documentary, about a small local community. The people on the screen mingled with the ultra-urbanites who praised the simplicity of their life. A strange juxiposition. The wealthy and well-meaning well to do just had no fucking idea that such simple views as family, friends, music, and beer were all one needed -- along with a strong wit and insight for those who "got" the joke and jabs made towards their urbane world. Somehow it all made me feel better. I feel as if saying, well, fuck the job. Fuck the merger. Fuck my pathetic ramblings. There are more important things out there. My world became solid and real again.
posted by Joe Blow @ 12/18/2004 11:26:00 PM
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